I haven’t had many “proper” relationships and the few that I have usually ended in the guy cheating on me. I’m no angel either; I’ve done my fair share of going elsewhere when seeing someone but for me, I think I always say that as some kind of defence mechanism.
“Cheat first”, I would tell my friends, knowingly. “That way when they cheat on you, you’ve already beat them to it”.
Wise words from a very jaded 21 year old. Back then social media was only just starting out – we were all still clicking away on our Blackberry keypads – and I don’t think any of us could have predicted the way social media would infiltrate our whole lives. I’m actually slightly embarrassed about how much time I spend on social media, how much of my life is built around it but I know I’m not the only one guilty of opening my Insta app, scrolling through, closing it and then mindlessly reopening it again seconds later.
Micro-cheating
Enter the newest social media based type of infidelity – “micro-cheating”. This cheeky little phrase is what some people call liking or leaving comments on another person’s pictures or messaging someone whilst already in a relationship. Now at this point you might be “well, I like other people’s pictures all the time and I’m in a long term, happy relationship – what’s the big deal?” and that’s fine. If you AND your partner don’t see it as an issue then it really is no big deal but for me personally, I do consider it a form of cheating.
I think in general social media has made dating a hell of a lot harder. I’ve been on dates where I’ve had a great time with lovely men, gone home afterwards and then found myself checking who they follow, whose commented on their pictures and whether they liked the comment. I don’t think that makes me crazy, I think that just makes me a woman in 2018. That’s what I tell myself, anyway.
Perhaps me not wanting a guy I’m seeing to like another woman’s pictures stems from my own insecurities. I’ve never felt secure in any relationship, especially in the early stages, because I’ve never had a man whose made me feel secure. Not all that long ago my constant need for reassurance from any man I was seeing, that they hadn’t gone off of me and that they definitely DID want to see me again, meant that I came across as super needy and a massive psycho. I’d been fucked over so many times that I didn’t know what was deemed normal or not so I automatically doubted every man I ever met. If a man took an hour or more to text me back I’d assume he’d meet someone else in his lunch break and they’d eloped, leading me to send them a barrage of abuse about how they obviously don’t care and to never contact me again. Nowadays I don’t have the time or the energy for that but under the surface those insecurities are still deeply imbedded and I do feel instantly on my guard when I see that a man I like also follows a lot of other women ESPECIALLY if a lot of those other women are also UK based models…
Obviously when it comes to your partner liking other people’s pictures and so on, you have to be realistic. There’s a big difference between them liking an American celebrities snaps but it’s a whole different story if they are constantly hitting the love heart under every picture of Roxy from Romford and you both live in Essex, too. I’ve heard of that “fun” couple game where you each pick 5 celebrities you’d be given a pass to sleep with should the opportunity arise, but you’d never invite your partner to make a list of family, friends and known associates that they’d bang if they could.
I am not famous by any stretch of the imagination but I get a LOT of messages from men and, so long as they don’t say “I want to fuck xxx”, I tend to respond to them. This means that a lot of the time I get sucked into ongoing conversations or receive daily messages from the same men – a good proportion of who are married – asking how I am or what I got up to on the weekend. They probably don’t see anything wrong with this exchange because they aren’t talking sexually towards me, but would their wife feel the same? Whether you’re in a relationship or not we should all be able to have friends of the opposite sex without there being any kind of sexual undertone to it, but I don’t know these guys from Adam so they can’t use that as their excuse if their partner was to ever access their inbox. Why risk it all for a girl you’re never going to meet? I have had a few wives in the past message me demanding to know why their husband has been inboxing me, as though I met him on Facebook and he wasn’t just one of the umpteen messages I receive daily via my 80k strong social media profile. I’m not here to break up anyone’s relationships, I can barely maintain my own.
Here is where I might seem hypocritical because as a sex worker a lot of the men I interact with online or on the phone are often married or in relationships but in that capacity, it makes absolutely no difference to me. I’m in my job to make money and I’m not actively seeking out other people’s husbands in order to do so, they are choosing to talk to me through their own free will. When I’m working I am providing a service but for those men who do attempt to interact with me on a personal level and NOT on a work basis, those who want to check in with me daily and see how I am, if I was their partner I would not be happy with that.
So, what do you think? Am I a bunnyboiler for not wanting to see my guy leaving love hearts under other women’s pictures or should I accept that this is just the world we live in now, where people are constantly interacting with others whether we like it or not?
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13 comments
Thank you for your thoughtful and thought provoking article!
I think you are right, i mean i dont like either to see my girl liking photos and saying that other man are cute or that she likes them, i feel like im not enough, and of course that because i´m insecure but still, i cant control that ugly feeling all the time, at the end every little thing becomes one giant insecurity
I’m with you on that one x
You’ve got me feeling guilty for following you now
I thought looking , not touching of course,from afar was ok but maybe I was wrong
Don’t feel guilty – its just my musings on the topic!
I could give two shits if my wife would start 💓 another dude’s pics. I mean something beautiful can happen like them meeting, falling in love and her leaving me for some wonderful guy she met on the internet. Then I’d be single ready to mingle. Then I’d get the kids every other weekend. It’s kinda like a win/win. Really. I put alot of hearts on alot of big booty girls’ pictures. That doesn’t mean a fucken thing. It’s like you said “it’s a sign of the times” . I’m kinda of an antisocial DUDE and never wanted this social media thing, but she pushed it, so I responded with likes and follows of woman I find sexy. Now as far as messaging goes, I don’t do it, not out of respect but it’s like said again “it’s your job to be friendly” and I ain’t no sucker YO! LOL 😺
The only woman I text are non entrepreneur types whose interests are similar to mine and it’s never to hook up but just responding to their random posts. So yeah…. Social fucken Media DUDE.
It is really a difficult topic. When I’m in a strong relationship, I do not think it’s alright to keep hearts to strangers.
It is a form of fraud, for sure.
I can see where you’re coming from and why you would this way but for me I don’t think it’s cheating. If they were engaging in sexting with you daily then I would say cheating but when they’re just making sure you’re ok and supporting/promoting you through a medium where none of their personal life comes into it I don’t think it is. Let’s say in my wildest dreams you were with me as long as every night I was coming home to you and giving you everything you’d want from me I’d like to think that I could have a set place where I can go and speak to women via social media, if you found it and didn’t like it then I’d remove it or remove what you didn’t like so that I know in the future there’s nothing for you to worry about. If there is constant sexting and pictures between them then yes I’d say cheating get rid find someone else.
I must say I do love your blog, it’s nice to see the world of jaye and what you think about, I can’t wait to see more from you x
Thank you for your kind words – they mean a lot!
It’s definitely all subjective, like how often your partner is interacting with other people and obviously what kind of messages they are sending but I guess we all have different thresholds! x
I think this is the best way to be and I like that you said if your partner did have an issue with it then you would stop. Everybody is different so its been interesting to hear others inputs on this subject
Thank you so much also for your kind words! X
a good rule of thumb is, would you talk to your mother in the same way you talk to a woman who isnt your partner. if not, its crossing a boundary.
This is a good topic. I don’t know I’m in the middle I don’t know how to feel about it. Like it seems like it’s the end of the world to see your boyfriend liking a girl picture and commenting on it. However when you say it out loud it sounds stupid. How stupid does it sound that you and your boyfriend broke up because he liked another girl picture. But at the same time the like may make you think he has other motives and that the likes may lead to conversations etc. however most of the time social media is not really all that real . Everyone is not honest on there. So it’s really hard to say.
I know, exactly! Social media has made life soooo much more complicated!