I have been a sex worker for almost a decade now, with most of that time having been spent fielding skin-crawling, graphic messages from men who assume some sort of ownership over me because they’ve seen me naked online.
I’m fully aware that that is, unfortunately, par for the course when you work in this industry but I am fascinated by those who also experience this level of entitlement from people when they aren’t actually a sex worker. I asked my beautiful online pal, Cora, better known by her online alias, “Grass n Titties”, for her input on male entitlement online:
Hi, my name is Cora.
In December 2017 I started an Instagram account, to document and justify my appallingly large lingerie collection. Since starting my page in December it has exploded and in 6 months I have more than 100,000 followers. Whilst I am flattered and excited by this result, like most things, it comes with downsides.
My Instagram following is made up of 90% male followers and only 10% female followers. Despite what a lot of people think, men are not my target audience. Whilst I am grateful and excited by people enjoying my work, almost all of the men who leave comments on my posts and send me emails are saying things that are not complementary, despite them assuring me that that was their intention. When I do not respond to their comments the way they want the tone will change: someone has hurt me, I want the attention, I’m ugly anyway, I am just a horrible person etc. I recognise that language barriers are often a big problem but the way people talk to others online is so backwards. I have posted several times saying “please don’t comment something sexual” due to my mental wellbeing just not being able to take it, and encouraging them to instead comment things like “nice picture” but apparently “I want to fuck your ass” is considered a compliment. Freedom of speech is allowed; what do I expect when I wear underwear?
Due to having such a large following, the majority of whom are men, and a lot of them then commenting “creepy” things, I find it exhausting. It is mentally draining and whilst it used to be fun to post and interact with people, it has become a lot more stressful and therefore I have been posting less and less frequently.
I last posted to my Instagram two days ago and I have recently received a comment from a guy:
“You Haven’t a new picture? I Want see your pics everyday. You Fascinate me your are my fantasy”
This is a level of entitlement that has been prevalent from the beginning but it is growing to become more common. The fact I MUST post every day for HIM, me wanting to or not is irrelevant. Despite not pledging to my Patreon page, giving me nothing, he feels entitled to my image, to use me as a fantasy. I must live up to his fantasy. It is this kind of toxic behaviour that makes what I do exhausting and a negative space for a lot of people.
Whilst being entitled to my pictures is one issue, the feeling that I am compelled to talk to these people is even stronger; on the rare occasion I dip into my DMs I am met with hundreds of thousands of messages demanding my attention. A lot of these messages contain pictures of their genitals, porn videos or graphic descriptions of what they want to do to me. Sometimes when I open a message from someone who has tried to grab my attention a few times they get more and more agitated. The message will start with a hello, maybe them telling me that they find me attractive. When that doesn’t get a response, they grow impatient and angry. They ask me how I am ever supposed to meet anyone if I won’t talk to them. They fail to recognise that they are not the only person that is trying to talk to me and “get to know me”. They say it makes me ungrateful and shallow and rude because I do not want to get to know them.
Disclaimer: for whomever reads this and asks “why can’t she just talk to them? It’s just a conversation, why won’t she give them a fraction of the time she has for her day?”
WELL, 100,000 followers. Talking to that many people would take up my entire life, I owe nobody anything and have shit to do.
I do still enjoy what I do, and using my platform and will hopefully continue to do so for a long time to come. However, this entitled behaviour which is commonly discussed between me and other girls online is toxic, and it can get far worse. I have never had death threats, never been bullied for what I post – cyber or otherwise – never been stalked, never had threats of rape or violence, and whilst I am grateful for that it is really disgusting that I am grateful for something that should be the bare minimum.
Follow the beautiful Cora over on INSTAGRAM
& be sure to support her stunning work HERE