Because I use to have sex for a living, men think that I am very open minded in both the bedroom and in my everyday life. This is true, to a point. However, there are lots of things that men try to introduce into our interactions that I do not enjoy; I have managed to whittle them down to just seven.
1. Hair Pulling.
I think this is one of those actions that filtered down from porn and made male viewers assume that tangling their paws in a woman’s tresses would, by default, make them better lovers. Let me assure you that this alone does not and I absolutely hate having my hair pulled during sex. Hair pulling is for the playground and catfights. It’s bad enough trying to unknot the matted beast that is the back of my head after a sweaty sex session; spank me, bite me, call me all the names under the sun but don’t you dare get your grubby mitts all caught up in my scarlet locks.
Oh, and anything you pull out, you’re paying for.
2. Pussy Fingers.
This is another us girls can definitely blame porn for. “Pussy fingers” is when a man tries to deepthroat you with his fingers after digitally penetrating you (phwoar, what an erotic term). I do it because I know it’s visually appealing to a man and they consider it be be really hot but I don’t even like to shake hands with people; I definitely don’t enjoy sucking on a man’s fingers. Plus, if I wanted to be constantly reminded of what pussy tastes like I wouldn’t have just been gay for pay…
3. Hearing About Their Exes or Things They’ve Done for Their Exes.
I mean this in the nicest possible way, I do not give a shit about your ex. Do you want me to dash this Nando’s extra hot sauce in your face? No female wants to hear about the things you did with your ex, the surprises you organised for her, the holidays you went on. The past is the past. If you mention it I will assume that you have not moved on and will await the inevitable “I’m not looking for anything serious” and then I shall order another bottle of wine.
4. Dick Pics.
I have written a whole blog post on this topic, so imperative is it that I want you to know that I do not, under any circumstances, want you to send me a picture of your penis. So proud of yourself are you that you managed to generate an erection that you feel the need to show it to everybody like Da Vinci after he’d finished the Mona Lisa. Your dick isn’t a prize artwork. Do not tweet the same picture endlessly to every pornstar/model/female with a pulse that you follow on social media in the hopes that one of them will respond positively. It’s disgusting and I can’t understand how it ever became an “okay” thing to do.
I don’t want to see your veiny length held up against your remote control so I get an idea of thickness or length nor do I want to see an image of your toes peeking out like hairy oven chips from under your chipolata. Even if it’s a bratwurst the only time I eat those is covered in curry sauce, so be warned.
Life is not a porno. I wear contact lens; it is perfectly fine to finish somewhere that doesn’t end up giving me an eye infection. The only manuka honey I want on my face is in the form of a fancy spa facial and, if you’re not paying for that, then keep your gunk to the designated areas.
6. Endless doggystyle.
The peril of every curvy woman is that men seem to always want to see us from behind. In my very experienced experience, doggy seems to be the favourite position of most men and one of my least favourites because I find it a lot less intimate and for 85% of the time all I can feel is you ricocheting off my bladder, reminding me how desperately I need to pee.
Throw in the fact that this is usually the favoured position of the hair pullers and you’re making it a hell of a lot harder for me to concentrate on the Justin Bieber song I’ve been singing in my head to help the time pass if I also have to try and bat your hands away from my barnet too.
7. Cum Tributes.
This is a term that – thankfully – has not made it into the Oxford English Dictionary but it is basically the act of a man ejaculating onto a picture of a woman and then sending her photographic proof of this in some bizarre defacing style “tribute”. There is nothing I find less flattering, as a female and a human being, then seeing somebody’s blobby spunk cooling on a pixelated image of my own arse or face. I see some social media accounts constantly tweeting an abundance of females asking “do you want a cum tribute?”. I think these people are going off the misguided assumption that the law of averages can be attributed to every possible scenario.
The only thing I will say is I hope your phone screen is water resistant otherwise you’re gonna quickly be reminded that the only person you’ve fucked is yourself.