“You being comfortable with your figure has given my wife so much more confidence in herself”
I tend to get this comment mainly from men on Tumblr and to be honest, I’m quite confused by it. I am not a supermodel. I don’t work in the fashion industry where a much more slender, willowy figure is required. I used to work in porn, where all sorts of body types are welcomed and in current pop culture, the figure to have features a tiny waist, big hips and a big bum.
I am a UK size 10. This is not big. It’s not even particularly curvy. The average dress size in the UK is a size 16. I’m not doing anything groundbreaking, I’m not sticking 2 fingers up to societal expectations, I haven’t broken down any barriers or paved the way for anyone, I just quite literally took my clothes off as a quicker way to pay my bills. We aren’t in 1993 anymore where everyone wanted to always be as thin as possible. Now when women ask “does my bum look big in this?” they WANT you to say yes, so me having a little bit more meat on me than some other industry girls really is no big deal in this day and age. If I’ve genuinely made someone feel more comfortable in how they look then obviously, that is a good thing, but you pointing out that its applaudable that I am comfortable with how I look has, if anything, made me now question how I do look!
“You’re actually quite intelligent”
Yes, I know.
Just because I’m more likely to be climbing up a pole than a corporate ladder does not mean that I am any less able to hold a conversation or have opinions on things other than hair extensions.
This is usually said by people who are aware of my job before they meet me and then, upon talking to me, are genuinely surprised that I do what I do. There’s this massive stereotype that women who work in the adult industry are, by default, not very bright. Now I will not lie to you, I have worked with some girls who may be a few keys short of a piano, but I’ve also met a multitude of people in a whole range of 9-5 jobs or in fully fledged careers who are thick as shit. Most women who make a living in the adult industry are whip smart when it comes to business, marketing and making their money. Society oversexualises women whether we like it or not so profiting from your sexuality is not a “cop out” because you couldn’t get a job elsewhere. The sex industry is pretty much recession proof and one of the only industries where women outearn their male counterparts by a mile; seems like a pretty clever move to me.
“I want to get to know the real you”
I would say that, on average, I receive a message like this at least once every two days and they annoy me for a multitude of reasons.
First of all, the guy writing it assumes that I am so downtrodden and broken by years of being leered over by men, that to have somebody comment on something that isn’t my arse is enough for me to swoon and want to marry them immediately. It isn’t, by the way.
They never bother including a photo either, assuming that their words alone will have won me over and so confident are they that the fact that they fancy me means that it will be inevitable that I’ll feel the same about them. I know you probably think I’m just being a bitch and I promise you I’m not, but do you know how annoying it is to have people assume things about you? One guy e-mailed me the other day to say that sexual attraction isn’t all that important to him when choosing a partner and he assumed I felt the same. Actually mate, sexual attraction is pretty high on the list of qualities I look for in a man. That’s why I don’t need to meet up with random men who e-mail me online. I do alright in real life.
Secondly, by wanting to meet the “real” me, you’re suggesting that I put across a fake persona online and that is not true. Granted, I don’t actually pay workmen in blowjobs in my real life but I also don’t put anything out on social media that isn’t 100% how I am, how I act or what I think day to day. I’m not an actress who is in films, pretending to be different people; I was a porn actress who had sex on camera whilst still being myself. What you see is what you get, although I tend to wear more clothes these days.
And finally, even if the e-mailer did turn out to be quite fit, 97% of the time they haven’t even bothered to work out where I’m from and assume I must also live in their American city I’ve never heard of, thus wasting both of our times.
“You’re a real woman”
I really hate this one. I appreciate that the person saying this is genuinely trying to be complimentary, but I don’t like it when someone suggests that I am anymore of a woman than any other female, purely because I’ve got a couple of curves. I’m not anymore or any less of a woman than someone else simply because she’s a few dress sizes smaller than me or her bum isn’t as round or she’s tall and willowy. Every single woman is different, and we spend our lives being pitted against each other; don’t make it worse.
I was quite a late developer and spent what felt live forever being so, so painfully self-conscious, convinced that I wasn’t worth anything because I didn’t have any tits and boys didn’t find me attractive. I know you’re trying to be kind when you call me a “real woman”, but my current shape is quite literally a combination of too many carbs and years on the contraceptive pill, which suddenly gave me hips and boobs. If it wasn’t for that, you wouldn’t look at me twice and that’s what you’re telling me.
“I wish my wife looked like you”
As flattering as you think that is, you’re a dickhead and I hope your missus checks your internet history.